Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I'm a quitter.
I ran out of cigarettes the night before last. I quit because I can no longer afford to smoke. I didn't really want to quit, but I figured I might as well. It didn't feel right calling my brother and asking him to support my habit.
I forgot how truly awful quitting smoking is. And, I don't even have a nicotine patch crutch. Oh no. Cold and cruel turkey. My calf muscles are going to be enormous from the constant bouncing my legs are doing. I'm certain I look like a lunatic. I keep running my hands through my hair in frustration, so I've got some weird fro action. I'm wearing a skirt that now looks like crepe paper, because I keep wadding and unwadding it as I pace the floors. I've chewed off most of the nail polish I applied last night.
My breath is minty fresh though. I heard that it's good to brush your teeth whenever you want to smoke. That seems to help.
It's the coffee that gets me. You know caffeine speeds up the absorption of nicotine? Coffee just isn't the same without a smoke.
I'm not complaining though. I know it's for the better, even though that pisses me off. I know smoking isn't healthy, especially for a diabetic woman. I don't really care. I don't give a shit if guys think it's gross and wouldn't date me. I couldn't care less if it annoys other people at bars. Fuck you. I LIKE smoking. My mom had cancer, and that's the only thing that sticks. That's the only thing that gives me pause.
I figured a good distraction will be writing all of this up. That way, if I want to smoke, I can come back and read these posts. Hopefully that'll make it stick. I need to remember this. I need to remember the shakes. At random moments, my hands start to tremble, then I try to stop them, so my knees start bouncing, fingertips tapping on the desk, looking right to left to find some distraction.
I know the withdrawal symptoms. I've been through it before, I've read the lists of symptoms. I can't believe I forgot how shitty this is. Seeing the words depression, insomnia, irritability, constipation, confusion, etc, is a lot different than experiencing them all at once. I forgot about the feeling of suffocation. I'm suddenly overdosing on oxygen, and I can't breathe properly. I know it's normal, but it's frightening.
What do nonsmokers do after they eat? After sex? While waiting for something, or someone? While you talk on the phone? Between bands at a concert? During commercial breaks?
I forgot how truly awful quitting smoking is. And, I don't even have a nicotine patch crutch. Oh no. Cold and cruel turkey. My calf muscles are going to be enormous from the constant bouncing my legs are doing. I'm certain I look like a lunatic. I keep running my hands through my hair in frustration, so I've got some weird fro action. I'm wearing a skirt that now looks like crepe paper, because I keep wadding and unwadding it as I pace the floors. I've chewed off most of the nail polish I applied last night.
My breath is minty fresh though. I heard that it's good to brush your teeth whenever you want to smoke. That seems to help.
It's the coffee that gets me. You know caffeine speeds up the absorption of nicotine? Coffee just isn't the same without a smoke.
I'm not complaining though. I know it's for the better, even though that pisses me off. I know smoking isn't healthy, especially for a diabetic woman. I don't really care. I don't give a shit if guys think it's gross and wouldn't date me. I couldn't care less if it annoys other people at bars. Fuck you. I LIKE smoking. My mom had cancer, and that's the only thing that sticks. That's the only thing that gives me pause.
I figured a good distraction will be writing all of this up. That way, if I want to smoke, I can come back and read these posts. Hopefully that'll make it stick. I need to remember this. I need to remember the shakes. At random moments, my hands start to tremble, then I try to stop them, so my knees start bouncing, fingertips tapping on the desk, looking right to left to find some distraction.
I know the withdrawal symptoms. I've been through it before, I've read the lists of symptoms. I can't believe I forgot how shitty this is. Seeing the words depression, insomnia, irritability, constipation, confusion, etc, is a lot different than experiencing them all at once. I forgot about the feeling of suffocation. I'm suddenly overdosing on oxygen, and I can't breathe properly. I know it's normal, but it's frightening.
What do nonsmokers do after they eat? After sex? While waiting for something, or someone? While you talk on the phone? Between bands at a concert? During commercial breaks?
// posted by jess @ 1:26 PM 
Comments:
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I am a smoker however I did quit for a year and a half and I TOTALLY know what you're going through. It's fucking shitty. My husband, then boyfriend, would find me in the bathroom just crying. When he'd ask what's wrong I'd say, "I just want a mother fucking cigarette!" why the bathroom? Because it was better than ripping him a new asshole or being mean to my son for no reason.
I did it cold turkey too and I tell you it just sucks. Worse than coming down off of cocain. (pre mother years)
And to answer all of your questions, I did nothing. I didn't smoke after I ate, or had sex, or while driving, I just did NOTHING. Which caused me to gain 19 pounds. I totally blame the quitting. Unfortunately starting back up doesn't take the pounds away.
Good luck to you!!
I did it cold turkey too and I tell you it just sucks. Worse than coming down off of cocain. (pre mother years)
And to answer all of your questions, I did nothing. I didn't smoke after I ate, or had sex, or while driving, I just did NOTHING. Which caused me to gain 19 pounds. I totally blame the quitting. Unfortunately starting back up doesn't take the pounds away.
Good luck to you!!
Oh, I started back up when my husband and I (still then boyfriend) broke up for 2 weeks. It was just like riding a bike......
You know, every time I quit, a guy was the main factor in me starting up again...
NOT THIS TIME!! This time I mean to stay quit!
I really don't want to gain weight. This time around, I'm eating the good stuff, sugar free popsicles, sunflower seeds. I started walking when the cravings get too bad. Hopefully I'll be the freak that loses weight when she quit smoking.
NOT THIS TIME!! This time I mean to stay quit!
I really don't want to gain weight. This time around, I'm eating the good stuff, sugar free popsicles, sunflower seeds. I started walking when the cravings get too bad. Hopefully I'll be the freak that loses weight when she quit smoking.
Quote: "What do nonsmokers do after they eat? After sex? While waiting for something, or someone? While you talk on the phone? Between bands at a concert? During commercial breaks?"
They fucking masturbate, you idiot! Yes, even when talking on the phone.
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They fucking masturbate, you idiot! Yes, even when talking on the phone.
# posted by 
: 10:41 PM
: 10:41 PM << Home
