Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I Have a Fake eBoyfriend.
As some of you faces know, I post on other places on the web. Oh yea, I get around.
In one such place, a guy messaged me asking if I'd pretend to be his girlfriend so we could freak out his mom. Apparently, he'd always wanted to find a tattooed black woman to bring home to Mommy.
This proposal is intriguing. I mean, it has the potential to be hilarious. But, I had to find out more. I'm down for laughter, but I had to make sure Mommy wasn't a skinhead or anything. People are weird nowadays. So of course I messaged him back. I needed the scoop!
Mommy isn't racist, he assured me. She just wants him to settle down with a nice, typical, blonde blue-eyed sorority girl type. Which is fine, we all have goals for our kids. I hope if I have a son, (who'll remain uncircumcised until old enough to change his mind!) I hope he's a pimp. Not a literal pimp, taking a bitch's money after she put in the work is just wrong. Just King Pimp in the sense that all the girls think he's hot, and he's beating them off with sticks and whatnot. He has to be smart, and get good grades, all that crap. But, I want bitches calling up all the time so I can yell at them to "Leave my boy alone, whore!!" And then his daddy and I can make that proud parent eye contact. Our little boy is such a MACK!
In any case, my fake eboyfriend has some issues with his parental unit. We all do, true enough. However, his particular issues are such that I'm willing to give up a very important Hallmark holiday to go visit Mommy with him. Easter, Christmas. Shit, Thanksgiving even! There are things about his life that would make the most dysfunctional amongst us gasp in horror. For reals. Kids that were chained to radiators while their folks were at work would offer a sympathetic shoulder pat if they heard this dude's story. His Mommy needs to be taught a lesson in basic humanity. I'm not certain I can fix her, but I can damn sure rattle her.
We've upped the Mommy trickery scale. See, it's not enough for Mommy to think I'm just a freak girlfriend. I'm a phase or something her kid is going through. I'm sure, if she's like most fucked up Mommies, she can pretend to be sweet and charming. I'm sure she'll make a nice dinner, and we'd have forced, awkward conversation all night. She'd sigh with relief when we left the next day, and then call up the boy and convince him how wrong we are together. That's too easy.
I want Mommy to freak the fuck out. Enter baby.
I know a few interracial couples, I really hope one of them would let me borrow their kid for a few days.
"No, come on, I'll babysit! You guys need your alone time, rediscover the romance....What will we do? Oh, well, I have this fake eboyfriend...No, wait, hear me out, it's funny!"
Even better, though. Even better than he and I pretending we have a kid, is pretending I have a kid which he thinks is his.
I need to find a black ass baby. Darkness everybody! Wesley Snipes black. And, my fake eboyfriend is going to pretend that he thinks the kid is his. We're going to have rings and shit, so that we can tell Mommy we eloped when I found out I was pregnant with little Ra'Kwayvion. Oh yea, the kid's named Ra'Kwayvion.
Our sweet little family will show up on Mommy's doorstep with sweet potato pie, a dog, a baby, and a velvet portrait of us in silhouette. The baby's gotta be little enough that he'll respond to Ra'Kwayvion. Or VeeVee or something. But still intelligent enough to yell, "GAMMA!" And stretch his chubby little arms out when she opens the door. Bonus if the dog starts barking uncontrollably, scaring the baby, causing him to wail.
I can't wait...Any of y'all got a baby I could borrow? My fake eboyfriend is good with kids.
In one such place, a guy messaged me asking if I'd pretend to be his girlfriend so we could freak out his mom. Apparently, he'd always wanted to find a tattooed black woman to bring home to Mommy.
This proposal is intriguing. I mean, it has the potential to be hilarious. But, I had to find out more. I'm down for laughter, but I had to make sure Mommy wasn't a skinhead or anything. People are weird nowadays. So of course I messaged him back. I needed the scoop!
Mommy isn't racist, he assured me. She just wants him to settle down with a nice, typical, blonde blue-eyed sorority girl type. Which is fine, we all have goals for our kids. I hope if I have a son, (who'll remain uncircumcised until old enough to change his mind!) I hope he's a pimp. Not a literal pimp, taking a bitch's money after she put in the work is just wrong. Just King Pimp in the sense that all the girls think he's hot, and he's beating them off with sticks and whatnot. He has to be smart, and get good grades, all that crap. But, I want bitches calling up all the time so I can yell at them to "Leave my boy alone, whore!!" And then his daddy and I can make that proud parent eye contact. Our little boy is such a MACK!
In any case, my fake eboyfriend has some issues with his parental unit. We all do, true enough. However, his particular issues are such that I'm willing to give up a very important Hallmark holiday to go visit Mommy with him. Easter, Christmas. Shit, Thanksgiving even! There are things about his life that would make the most dysfunctional amongst us gasp in horror. For reals. Kids that were chained to radiators while their folks were at work would offer a sympathetic shoulder pat if they heard this dude's story. His Mommy needs to be taught a lesson in basic humanity. I'm not certain I can fix her, but I can damn sure rattle her.
We've upped the Mommy trickery scale. See, it's not enough for Mommy to think I'm just a freak girlfriend. I'm a phase or something her kid is going through. I'm sure, if she's like most fucked up Mommies, she can pretend to be sweet and charming. I'm sure she'll make a nice dinner, and we'd have forced, awkward conversation all night. She'd sigh with relief when we left the next day, and then call up the boy and convince him how wrong we are together. That's too easy.
I want Mommy to freak the fuck out. Enter baby.
I know a few interracial couples, I really hope one of them would let me borrow their kid for a few days.
"No, come on, I'll babysit! You guys need your alone time, rediscover the romance....What will we do? Oh, well, I have this fake eboyfriend...No, wait, hear me out, it's funny!"
Even better, though. Even better than he and I pretending we have a kid, is pretending I have a kid which he thinks is his.
I need to find a black ass baby. Darkness everybody! Wesley Snipes black. And, my fake eboyfriend is going to pretend that he thinks the kid is his. We're going to have rings and shit, so that we can tell Mommy we eloped when I found out I was pregnant with little Ra'Kwayvion. Oh yea, the kid's named Ra'Kwayvion.
Our sweet little family will show up on Mommy's doorstep with sweet potato pie, a dog, a baby, and a velvet portrait of us in silhouette. The baby's gotta be little enough that he'll respond to Ra'Kwayvion. Or VeeVee or something. But still intelligent enough to yell, "GAMMA!" And stretch his chubby little arms out when she opens the door. Bonus if the dog starts barking uncontrollably, scaring the baby, causing him to wail.
I can't wait...Any of y'all got a baby I could borrow? My fake eboyfriend is good with kids.
// posted by jess @ 1:09 PM 
