Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I'm a quitter.
I ran out of cigarettes the night before last. I quit because I can no longer afford to smoke. I didn't really want to quit, but I figured I might as well. It didn't feel right calling my brother and asking him to support my habit.
I forgot how truly awful quitting smoking is. And, I don't even have a nicotine patch crutch. Oh no. Cold and cruel turkey. My calf muscles are going to be enormous from the constant bouncing my legs are doing. I'm certain I look like a lunatic. I keep running my hands through my hair in frustration, so I've got some weird fro action. I'm wearing a skirt that now looks like crepe paper, because I keep wadding and unwadding it as I pace the floors. I've chewed off most of the nail polish I applied last night.
My breath is minty fresh though. I heard that it's good to brush your teeth whenever you want to smoke. That seems to help.
It's the coffee that gets me. You know caffeine speeds up the absorption of nicotine? Coffee just isn't the same without a smoke.
I'm not complaining though. I know it's for the better, even though that pisses me off. I know smoking isn't healthy, especially for a diabetic woman. I don't really care. I don't give a shit if guys think it's gross and wouldn't date me. I couldn't care less if it annoys other people at bars. Fuck you. I LIKE smoking. My mom had cancer, and that's the only thing that sticks. That's the only thing that gives me pause.
I figured a good distraction will be writing all of this up. That way, if I want to smoke, I can come back and read these posts. Hopefully that'll make it stick. I need to remember this. I need to remember the shakes. At random moments, my hands start to tremble, then I try to stop them, so my knees start bouncing, fingertips tapping on the desk, looking right to left to find some distraction.
I know the withdrawal symptoms. I've been through it before, I've read the lists of symptoms. I can't believe I forgot how shitty this is. Seeing the words depression, insomnia, irritability, constipation, confusion, etc, is a lot different than experiencing them all at once. I forgot about the feeling of suffocation. I'm suddenly overdosing on oxygen, and I can't breathe properly. I know it's normal, but it's frightening.
What do nonsmokers do after they eat? After sex? While waiting for something, or someone? While you talk on the phone? Between bands at a concert? During commercial breaks?
I forgot how truly awful quitting smoking is. And, I don't even have a nicotine patch crutch. Oh no. Cold and cruel turkey. My calf muscles are going to be enormous from the constant bouncing my legs are doing. I'm certain I look like a lunatic. I keep running my hands through my hair in frustration, so I've got some weird fro action. I'm wearing a skirt that now looks like crepe paper, because I keep wadding and unwadding it as I pace the floors. I've chewed off most of the nail polish I applied last night.
My breath is minty fresh though. I heard that it's good to brush your teeth whenever you want to smoke. That seems to help.
It's the coffee that gets me. You know caffeine speeds up the absorption of nicotine? Coffee just isn't the same without a smoke.
I'm not complaining though. I know it's for the better, even though that pisses me off. I know smoking isn't healthy, especially for a diabetic woman. I don't really care. I don't give a shit if guys think it's gross and wouldn't date me. I couldn't care less if it annoys other people at bars. Fuck you. I LIKE smoking. My mom had cancer, and that's the only thing that sticks. That's the only thing that gives me pause.
I figured a good distraction will be writing all of this up. That way, if I want to smoke, I can come back and read these posts. Hopefully that'll make it stick. I need to remember this. I need to remember the shakes. At random moments, my hands start to tremble, then I try to stop them, so my knees start bouncing, fingertips tapping on the desk, looking right to left to find some distraction.
I know the withdrawal symptoms. I've been through it before, I've read the lists of symptoms. I can't believe I forgot how shitty this is. Seeing the words depression, insomnia, irritability, constipation, confusion, etc, is a lot different than experiencing them all at once. I forgot about the feeling of suffocation. I'm suddenly overdosing on oxygen, and I can't breathe properly. I know it's normal, but it's frightening.
What do nonsmokers do after they eat? After sex? While waiting for something, or someone? While you talk on the phone? Between bands at a concert? During commercial breaks?
Monday, March 13, 2006
All you never knew.
I've had a rough go of it lately, trying to outdo my last post. Pressure! Then I got over it, and decided to rip off Damian and others by giving you a numbered list of things you don't know about me! Neat.
1. I prefer to brush my teeth in the shower.
2. My brother and I are very close. Most everyone has commented on it, I guess it's strange for siblings to get along so well. But, he's the one person who's seen me at my best, and at my worst and never judged me.
3. I laugh every time someone sneezes. Especially if it's the first time I've heard them sneeze.
4. I like sneezing myself. A lot. Sometimes I wish I did it more often. Once, I had a sneeze stuck, I couldn't sneeze it out. My brother suggested I snort some pepper. I did. And I sneezed and sneezed and we laughed like two idiots.
5. When I eat raisins or grapes, I usually tell someone, "You know, grapes (or raisins) are nature's candy?
6. I am hopelessly addicted to tattoos. I have one that needs to be finished, others to cover, and ideas for many more. But, I'm penniless right now. I have to get my fix by watching shows like Miami Ink, and Inked. Hearing the tattoo machines makes me twitchy. Sometimes, I go to the parlor, just so I can smell it, and hear the machines go.
7. I love the smell of used bookstores. First thing I do is walk inside, close my eyes and take a deep breath.
8. Ever since stumbling upon grouphug.us a couple years ago, I've been unable to share candy or chips from a communal bowl. Just watching people go nuts over a bowl of m&ms and stick their grubby mitts in there makes me shudder.
9. When I was a kid, I was terrified of the Yodeller on the Price is Right and of those aliens on Sesame Street.
10. When I was a kid, and I'd be scared to go to sleep, or wake up from a nightmare, I used to think about Strawberry Shortcake in the forest with her friends until I fell asleep again. I tried this the other day, and it still works!
11. After I watched the movie Kalifornia, I let myself just feel the wind, and I love it. When it's windy out, I'm the freakshow with my arms spread and my eyes closed and a shit-eating grin on my face.
12. I rescue most bugs and take them outside. Especially spiders. A centipede will have me standing on a chair, screaming like a madwoman.
13. Really, my main motivation in life is finding shit that makes me laugh. I laugh all the time. Pretty much any situation can be funny if you look at it right.
14. Trent Reznor is a genius, and he always knows just how to sing exactly what I'm feeling.
15. I've never been arrested or in any real trouble. Once, in middle school, I was hanging out with the bad kids and we got caught skipping. The 4 or 5 of us went to the principal's office. One by one, the kids in front of me were getting suspended. I was so nervously excited to get in trouble and be suspended. I was the last one, and they said they were going to let me off with a warning since I was such a good student otherwise. I was disappointed.
16. Sometimes, I wish I could be religious and believe in god. It seems like it makes life a lot easier.
17. I wanted to be a kleptomanic when I was a kid. I think I saw something on TV about it. Anyway, I'd steal stupid shit whenever we went to a store. Like, those little puffballs from craft stores and candy. I didn't really see the point, and I stopped.
18. I don't like chicken. I'm happy that I'm by myself now, and don't ever have to eat it. Every so often, I'll have a relentless craving for fried chicken, but once it's satisfied, I hate chicken again. I guess you can't really take all of the negro out of the girl.
19. If I ever get married, I want it to be to a stand-up comic. I like dudes that make me laugh, I like stand-up comedy. Makes sense. I like music too, though. Maybe a dude in a funny band. See, then they'd go on tour, and not be around to annoy me so much.
20. Sometimes I wish that if I had children, one of them would be a midget.
1. I prefer to brush my teeth in the shower.
2. My brother and I are very close. Most everyone has commented on it, I guess it's strange for siblings to get along so well. But, he's the one person who's seen me at my best, and at my worst and never judged me.
3. I laugh every time someone sneezes. Especially if it's the first time I've heard them sneeze.
4. I like sneezing myself. A lot. Sometimes I wish I did it more often. Once, I had a sneeze stuck, I couldn't sneeze it out. My brother suggested I snort some pepper. I did. And I sneezed and sneezed and we laughed like two idiots.
5. When I eat raisins or grapes, I usually tell someone, "You know, grapes (or raisins) are nature's candy?
6. I am hopelessly addicted to tattoos. I have one that needs to be finished, others to cover, and ideas for many more. But, I'm penniless right now. I have to get my fix by watching shows like Miami Ink, and Inked. Hearing the tattoo machines makes me twitchy. Sometimes, I go to the parlor, just so I can smell it, and hear the machines go.
7. I love the smell of used bookstores. First thing I do is walk inside, close my eyes and take a deep breath.
8. Ever since stumbling upon grouphug.us a couple years ago, I've been unable to share candy or chips from a communal bowl. Just watching people go nuts over a bowl of m&ms and stick their grubby mitts in there makes me shudder.
9. When I was a kid, I was terrified of the Yodeller on the Price is Right and of those aliens on Sesame Street.
10. When I was a kid, and I'd be scared to go to sleep, or wake up from a nightmare, I used to think about Strawberry Shortcake in the forest with her friends until I fell asleep again. I tried this the other day, and it still works!
11. After I watched the movie Kalifornia, I let myself just feel the wind, and I love it. When it's windy out, I'm the freakshow with my arms spread and my eyes closed and a shit-eating grin on my face.
12. I rescue most bugs and take them outside. Especially spiders. A centipede will have me standing on a chair, screaming like a madwoman.
13. Really, my main motivation in life is finding shit that makes me laugh. I laugh all the time. Pretty much any situation can be funny if you look at it right.
14. Trent Reznor is a genius, and he always knows just how to sing exactly what I'm feeling.
15. I've never been arrested or in any real trouble. Once, in middle school, I was hanging out with the bad kids and we got caught skipping. The 4 or 5 of us went to the principal's office. One by one, the kids in front of me were getting suspended. I was so nervously excited to get in trouble and be suspended. I was the last one, and they said they were going to let me off with a warning since I was such a good student otherwise. I was disappointed.
16. Sometimes, I wish I could be religious and believe in god. It seems like it makes life a lot easier.
17. I wanted to be a kleptomanic when I was a kid. I think I saw something on TV about it. Anyway, I'd steal stupid shit whenever we went to a store. Like, those little puffballs from craft stores and candy. I didn't really see the point, and I stopped.
18. I don't like chicken. I'm happy that I'm by myself now, and don't ever have to eat it. Every so often, I'll have a relentless craving for fried chicken, but once it's satisfied, I hate chicken again. I guess you can't really take all of the negro out of the girl.
19. If I ever get married, I want it to be to a stand-up comic. I like dudes that make me laugh, I like stand-up comedy. Makes sense. I like music too, though. Maybe a dude in a funny band. See, then they'd go on tour, and not be around to annoy me so much.
20. Sometimes I wish that if I had children, one of them would be a midget.
