Sunday, November 19, 2006
Ain't Livin Right
I've spent the last few bits of time fogged out. There's way too much for me to think about, and I don't know where to begin. All these thoughts spin themselves around in my head. Linking first to the next into this tapestry of impending doom.
I truly have no idea how I'm supposed to be living my life. I mean, obviously, I know the logical stuff, the things that everyone knows you should do. So, I'm in school doing the undergrad thing. I'm back at the work thing.
I work in investments, and I major in Anthropology. I want to be a writer. Somehow it could work, right. I could link it all together.
I've got myself down one path towards livin' right. At least the economics of life are lined up. 401k, IRA. fI'll be making a pretty comfortable living, to where I can actually save! That's a cool concept, being able to have more than $0.01 in my savings account. So, I'm thinking, put $X aside, and in n months, I might could move to a bigger space.
As much as I'm still intending on building my kitty cat paradise, a studio apartment and do fat cats do not mix. I've nowhere to stash them when they get annoying. They can pry the bathroom door open, closet's out now since Hector decided all those piles of clothing make wonderful piss catchers. And seriously, nothing ruins the mood quicker than "mmmMEOWWwww" and two cats chasing each other over and around you. But I digress.
A side effect of my "employee" status is sleep deprivation. Trying to manage work from morning:30 to dusk and school from dusk:30 to night SUCKS! Sucks. I wonder if people know I'm falling asleep while they talk to me. This woman is telling me that when I transfer Mutual Funds into a client's account I need to walk slowly across the savannah, else the meerkats will hear us and retreat into their burrows. Once they're down in that network of holes we can't transfer from a Simple IRA into a Roth because of federal regulations.
And on top of that, I'm feeling this increasing desire to be part of a couple. Why is this? Where is this coming from? I don't understand why suddenly this friends with benefits thing isn't enough.
I had it all figured out. Relationships are dumb, a waste of time. Love is lame. All I need are my kitty cats, a bowl and sex.
And how long did that last? 7 months?? 7 months after declaring my relationship-free stance, I want to be a girlfriend again. I'm disappointed in myself. I didn't even make it a year!! God damn, I guess I can't change that girly part of me. I can't deny that I want to be loved. And it sucks. Because if that's the case, I am doomed.
I suck at relationships. I do. I'm a mess as it is, but relationships through in a whole new set of crap to be neurotic about. Do I stink, does he like when I do this, I hope I don't burn it, did he like cans or bottles. Is he going to be mad if I don't want to hang out with him, does he snore? I'm clingy, then detached. Pull you close, push you away. Cry and fight. There's way too much at stake to be part of a couple, and I'm fairly certain I can't live up to those expectations.
And they just don't work! How can something founded on a fairy tale work out? Soul mates? Forever ever after in love? It doesn't happen, it can't happen.
But I still want to do it. How the fuck does that make sense?
Cue non stop circular thinking and whipping myself into a frenzy of insecurity.
I think I've figured it out, though. I'm going to keep going with school. Put aside money, so eventually I can move into a 2 bedroom place. Now, as for my Anthropology degree, I'm really feeling I'd like to get my masters, so I could go out into the field. There's a good two years before I need to worry about that, since I only can go to school part time. By then, I'll have a nice wad of dough saved up to take with me when I go to Africa to work on a Master's degree. I can totally buy a baby AND a Rhodesian Ridgeback. That should help press snooze on this biological clock thing. Maybe I'll even meet a nice native to bring back. He'll be so dizzy from the cultural shock to notice I'm a nut, and by the time he does, I'll probably be sick of him anyway.
I truly have no idea how I'm supposed to be living my life. I mean, obviously, I know the logical stuff, the things that everyone knows you should do. So, I'm in school doing the undergrad thing. I'm back at the work thing.
I work in investments, and I major in Anthropology. I want to be a writer. Somehow it could work, right. I could link it all together.
I've got myself down one path towards livin' right. At least the economics of life are lined up. 401k, IRA. fI'll be making a pretty comfortable living, to where I can actually save! That's a cool concept, being able to have more than $0.01 in my savings account. So, I'm thinking, put $X aside, and in n months, I might could move to a bigger space.
As much as I'm still intending on building my kitty cat paradise, a studio apartment and do fat cats do not mix. I've nowhere to stash them when they get annoying. They can pry the bathroom door open, closet's out now since Hector decided all those piles of clothing make wonderful piss catchers. And seriously, nothing ruins the mood quicker than "mmmMEOWWwww" and two cats chasing each other over and around you. But I digress.
A side effect of my "employee" status is sleep deprivation. Trying to manage work from morning:30 to dusk and school from dusk:30 to night SUCKS! Sucks. I wonder if people know I'm falling asleep while they talk to me. This woman is telling me that when I transfer Mutual Funds into a client's account I need to walk slowly across the savannah, else the meerkats will hear us and retreat into their burrows. Once they're down in that network of holes we can't transfer from a Simple IRA into a Roth because of federal regulations.
And on top of that, I'm feeling this increasing desire to be part of a couple. Why is this? Where is this coming from? I don't understand why suddenly this friends with benefits thing isn't enough.
I had it all figured out. Relationships are dumb, a waste of time. Love is lame. All I need are my kitty cats, a bowl and sex.
And how long did that last? 7 months?? 7 months after declaring my relationship-free stance, I want to be a girlfriend again. I'm disappointed in myself. I didn't even make it a year!! God damn, I guess I can't change that girly part of me. I can't deny that I want to be loved. And it sucks. Because if that's the case, I am doomed.
I suck at relationships. I do. I'm a mess as it is, but relationships through in a whole new set of crap to be neurotic about. Do I stink, does he like when I do this, I hope I don't burn it, did he like cans or bottles. Is he going to be mad if I don't want to hang out with him, does he snore? I'm clingy, then detached. Pull you close, push you away. Cry and fight. There's way too much at stake to be part of a couple, and I'm fairly certain I can't live up to those expectations.
And they just don't work! How can something founded on a fairy tale work out? Soul mates? Forever ever after in love? It doesn't happen, it can't happen.
But I still want to do it. How the fuck does that make sense?
Cue non stop circular thinking and whipping myself into a frenzy of insecurity.
I think I've figured it out, though. I'm going to keep going with school. Put aside money, so eventually I can move into a 2 bedroom place. Now, as for my Anthropology degree, I'm really feeling I'd like to get my masters, so I could go out into the field. There's a good two years before I need to worry about that, since I only can go to school part time. By then, I'll have a nice wad of dough saved up to take with me when I go to Africa to work on a Master's degree. I can totally buy a baby AND a Rhodesian Ridgeback. That should help press snooze on this biological clock thing. Maybe I'll even meet a nice native to bring back. He'll be so dizzy from the cultural shock to notice I'm a nut, and by the time he does, I'll probably be sick of him anyway.
